Booze Glorious Booze
by Red Witch
Summary: Co-written with Coldfusion 180. Dealing with hyper teenagers with mutant abilites has taken it's toll on the adults of the series. Warning: A lot of madness ahead.


** I don't really own anything. Not this song parody of Food Glorious Food from the musical Oliver. Or this idea. This is Coldfusion 180's brilliant idea. And I certainly don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. I just threw in some craziness and made this whole thing more insane than before. **

**Booze Glorious Booze**

"Ohhhh…" Charles Xavier moaned as he lay back in his wheelchair. He held an icepack to his head and had a very large black eye.

"How are you feeling?" Ororo asked as she sat across from him with a worried look on her face. She handed him a glass filled with something rather medicinal of the alcoholic variety.

"Like I was hit in the head with a six pound trout," Xavier groaned painfully and took a sip of Scotch.

"You **were** hit in the head with a six pound trout," Ororo reminded him. "A plastic six pound trout."

"A **plastic **six pound trout?" Xavier winced. "Why a **plastic **six pound trout?"

"Because apparently a real six pound trout would smell," Hank explained. He had a bandage on his head and his right foot was bandaged up.

"I see…No, I **don't…**" Xavier sighed. "What kind of demented game is there that requires a plastic fish? And I thought video games were difficult to understand."

"I don't know what kind of crazy game Bobby and the other boys were playing and quite frankly I don't want to know!" Ororo sighed.

"Well we all know who's really to blame for that," Hank pointed out. "It was the Brotherhood who introduced them to that game."

"True but our students were far too willing to try it," Ororo said.

"It doesn't matter which side started it. The point is all the students have been causing far too much trouble lately," Xavier sighed as he tenderly adjusted the icepack over the enormous lump on his head. "Though I must admit, compared to the fashion wars between Jean and Kitty a few weeks ago it was kind of mild. By the way, Ororo does your hand still hurt?"

"What do **you** think?" Ororo gave him a look and help up the large cast on her left hand.

"At least it's not broken," Hank shrugged.

"It almost was thanks to that avalanche of donuts," Ororo groaned as she took a sip of Scotch. "First Kitty's muffins nearly break my hand and then it nearly gets destroyed by donuts!"

"It's a bad week for pastry," Hank remarked. "But you two got off easy compared to me! I'm the one who had to monitor the students while they cleaned up that mess!"

"All you had to do was stand there and watch them," Ororo gave him a look. "How did you get hurt?"

"To start with it took forever to get that donut machine to stop and I received quite a few good shots to the head," Hank pointed to his head. "Plus there was another accidental flying fish incident."

"Bobby?" Ororo asked.

"No, this time it was Scott," Hank sighed. "To be fair he was aiming for Mr. Alvers. He ducked. I didn't. I fell backwards. Avalanche got mad and lived up to his namesake. I nearly got buried alive by even more donuts!"

"Lucky for you Mr. Dukes was there," Xavier winced.

"Not so lucky that Mr. Drake was," Hank remarked. "He thought it would be funny to put some real ice on donuts and…Long story short I slipped on one and sprained my ankle! I'm lucky my leg wasn't broken!"

"They were fighting again weren't they?" Xavier sighed.

"Did you need to use your psychic powers to figure **that** out?" Hank said sarcastically.

"Do I want to know what they were fighting about?" Xavier asked wearily.

"Do you want an even **bigger** headache than you already have?" Hank asked. "I will tell you that the argument was filled with bad grammar, worse sentence structure, several threats of bodily harm and Kurt and Toad's obsession with the Galaxy Rangers cartoon."

"You have a point," Ororo conceded. "You did have it worse."

"That's all I'm saying," Hank said as he took a drink.

"Where in the world did they manage to get an electrical powered donut machine in the first place?" Xavier asked aloud. "And how did they get it into the mansion without anyone noticing?"

"Trust me, you **don't **want to know," Hank sighed. "The things we **already** know about them is enough to give me nightmares for years!"

"Well at least the Brotherhood has gone home. And Logan has all the students in a three hour training session now," Xavier winced as he carefully sipped from his glass. "They shouldn't be any more trouble today."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!

"Wanna bet?" Hank gave Xavier a look as the building shook.

"Oh goody," Xavier sighed as little bits of plaster fell from the ceiling. "More repairs. Just what our budget needed."

"CHUCK! CHUCK WE GOTTA TALK!" Logan was heard yelling. "I WANT A PAY RAISE AND I WANT IT **NOW!**"

"Wait, he gets **paid?**" Hank blinked.

"When did we last get paid?" Ororo asked Hank. "I don't remember getting paid. Do you remember getting paid?"

"The last check I got was when I first arrived at the mansion and I haven't seen another one since!" Hank realized.

"Well uh…" Xavier winced as he saw his staff glare at him. "You do live here for free and have unlimited expense accounts. And you don't have to pay for food or utilities…"

"It's still not enough," Hank glared at him.

"Nowhere **near** enough," Ororo agreed.

"Look I don't think the students are so bad that you need to be further compensated any more than you already are," Xavier told them.

"Gaaagghh!" Logan gasped as he staggered into the room while limping on one leg. His uniform was heavily torn and he was covered in scorch marks. "That does it! I need a drink and I need it **now!**"

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury," Hank pointed to Logan. "I'd like to present Exhibit A."

"Please tell me you have a beer…" Logan moaned as he staggered in.

"We have Scotch and lots of it," Hank told him as he showed him a bottle on a table.

"Good enough!" Logan went right to it and poured himself a drink. Then he looked at the glass he just poured, set it down. Then he picked up the bottle of Scotch and drank from it. "Oh yeah, that hit the spot."

"Fortunately for us we buy our alcohol by the case…" Xavier sighed as he pulled out another bottle of Scotch from a nearby desk.

"Are you alright?" Ororo asked Logan.

"Do I **look** alright?" Logan growled as he drank from the bottle. "I'm not going back there! You hear me? I don't care what you say Chuck, I'm **not** going back there!"

"Okay…" Xavier blinked. "Do I even want to know what happened to you?"

"Let me put it to you this way," Logan gave him a look. "I learned two rules today. Rule One: Never let Nightcrawler reprogram the Danger Room to look like one of his stupid cartoon places."

"Uh huh…" Hank blinked. "What's the other rule?"

"Never try and break up a fight between Magma, Berserker and Sunspot!" Logan snapped and took another swig of Scotch. "Especially if it's about current music. Not to mention the Danger Room needs a new roof again! Next time those kids have a training session; one of **you **is going to run it because I am not gonna!"

"Uh yes well…" Xavier began.

"I **mean **it Chuck," Logan pointed. "Next time you want me to run a session I am going to run for the hills!"

"Take me with you…" Hank moaned. "Please take me with you."

"Maybe we should cut back on the training sessions for a while?" Xavier gulped nervously. "It sounds like the students need some time off and could use a break."

"**They **are not the ones who need a break around here!" Ororo finished off her drink. She went for the second bottle. "More Scotch?"

"Please…" Xavier held out his glass.

"Good, then open it," Ororo gave him a look as she indicated her bandaged hand.

"I sense that you all have some latent hostility towards me," Xavier said sarcastically as he opened the bottle and poured Ororo a drink.

"Good to see those psychic powers are in top form," Hank quipped as he got some more Scotch.

"Charles you have to admit that the team we have gathered hasn't completely turned out the way we thought they would," Ororo told him.

"_Let's open a school_ you said," Logan grunted as he drank. _"Let's teach young mutants how to use their powers responsibly _you said."

"Well we have, for the most part," Xavier sighed. "At least out in public. Most of the time. We have taught our students how to use their powers."

"Taught 'em a little too well…" Logan grunted. "Maybe teaching 'em combat skills wasn't the brightest move you could have made?"

"**I **made?" Xavier gave him a look. "Who started the lovely tradition of using flame-throwers during a student's first time in the Danger Room?"

"I was just teaching them how to survive the unexpected!" Logan snapped.

"Ironically that is a subject we seem to be failing," Hank moaned.

SMASH!

"Speaking of unexpected…" Logan groaned as one of the study windows burst open inward. "Guess who's here Chuck?"

"Erik?" Xavier blinked as Magneto flew into the room. He was wearing a grey suit that was severely smudged and looked like it was covered in some kind of burnt vegetable.

"Charles! Thank heavens you're here!" Magneto gasped landing near the couch. "You have to help us!"

"Us?" Logan grunted as he took a sniff. "Oh crap." He saw Sabertooth hauling himself through the window, covered in orange goop. "Sabertooth!"

"Runt," Sabertooth grunted as he slowly limped towards the group. "Somebody give me a beer. NOW!"

"We've got Scotch," Logan sneered.

"I'll take it!" Sabertooth grabbed the bottle from Logan and downed it.

"HEY!" Logan shot out his claws.

"Logan! Don't! We have three more bottles in the cabinet over there," Xavier ordered.

"Yes and bring them all!" Magneto groaned. Logan made a grumbling noise but did as he was told.

"Erik, what's the meaning of this?" Xavier asked.

"Relax Charles, we're not here to fight," Magneto groaned, holding up his hand. "We just need a place to rest for a while. Those lunatic subordinates of mine are driving me insane!"

"Must be a short trip," Logan muttered to himself as he got the bottles from the cabinet.

"Oh really?" Hank drawled. "Do you mean to tell me that your young charges are involved in assorted uncontrollable antics as well?"

"What a shock," Logan said sarcastically as he brought the bottles to the group. "But they seem like such nice, quiet, well behaved boys."

"Oh stuff it, Runt," Sabertooth snapped as he finished the bottle. He threw the bottle into a trashcan and picked up the glass Logan poured from before. "Like **yours **are any better?"

"Mine are **ten times** better any day of the week!" Logan glared at Sabertooth.

"Logan!" Xavier warned.

"Sabertooth," Magneto warned at the same time.

"Enough!" Both Magneto and Xavier said simultaneously.

"We just barely escaped with our lives from one insane situation," Magneto warned Sabertooth. "We don't need you two putting our already fragile health in further danger by your feud!"

"Please let it go…" Hank moaned. "Just this once let it go…"

Sabertooth gave Hank a look. "Galaxy Rangers or Troutball injury?" He asked.

"A little of both," Hank sighed. "Wait, you know about Troutball?"

"Who do you think convinced the boys to use plastic fish instead of real ones?" Magneto sighed. "But that's beside the point. That is just the tip of the iceberg of insanity."

"A very **big** iceberg," Sabertooth grumbled. "I told you ya should have let me gut those brats long ago. But noooooooooooooooooo, you insisted we had to keep 'em alive! Why I will never understand!"

"Strangely enough…I can relate to that," Logan grunted as he poured himself another drink.

"The things my team does are absolutely ridiculous!" Magneto groaned as he sat in a chair next to Xavier. "The madness never stops! Like what they did today! I don't know what's worse! The Dueling Sponges Incident or their electric pumpkin gun!"

"Dueling sponges?" Ororo asked.

"Pumpkin gun?" Xavier blinked.

"Dueling **racist **sponges," Sabertooth added.

"**Electric** pumpkin gun," Magneto groaned before taking a sip of Scotch.

"_**Racist**_ sponges?" Logan blinked.

"_**Electric**_ pumpkin gun?" Hank was equally stunned.

"How…?" Xavier was stunned.

"Don't ask," Sabertooth grumbled wiping some pumpkin gunk from his uniform. "Just don't ask."

"What's the matter Creed?" Logan taunted. "Can't keep herd on your team mates?"

"Look who's talking!" Sabertooth shot back. "I'd throw down with you right now Runt, but not after what I've been through! Those Brotherhood Brats are nuts!"

"I'm afraid that the majority of our students are not exactly a model of sanity right now either," Hank pointed out.

"It's clear that the students on both teams are getting out of hand," Ororo spoke up.

"Of course we all know the Brotherhood has been out of hand and out of their **minds** since day one," Logan snarled.

"Don't blame this all on my team! Especially while yours does plenty of damage!" Magneto snapped. "Do the words 'Sadie Hawkins Dance' mean **anything** to you?"

"Or your little group of Sirens walking around the wild side?" Sabertooth added.

"At least our girls were running around trying to **stop** crimes!" Logan snapped. "Rather than committing them!"

"Like those garages they burned down?" Sabertooth snorted.

"Okay technically only one garage suffered minor fire damage," Logan said. "And that wasn't their fault. Well mostly it wasn't their fault. Well not all of them were…Magma had control issues okay?"

"And how many stolen cars did they destroy?" Magneto asked.

"That was Boom Boom and technically she was on the Brotherhood side at the time!" Logan snapped.

"Not really. She just mooched off of them and wrecked the house," Magneto gave him a look. "Then she ran back to **your** team."

"Don't remind me…" Logan moaned. "Is it me or did the kids get worse after they started to work together?"

"It's definitely not a coincidence," Sabertooth grumbled. "The Brotherhood was bad enough without you X-Geeks adding to the mix. In fact they were hard enough to control even with Mystique! And now that the Blue Bitch of the West has run off again they're ten times worse! It's survival of the craziest over there!"

"Ha!" Logan scoffed. "You think you have it bad? You only go over to the Brotherhood House for what? A couple of hours a **month?** Try dealing with a whole **mansion** of mutant teenagers for a **whole week** sometime! **That'll** test your survival skills!"

"I'll say. The kids are pushing us all past our breaking point," Ororo winced as the room shook from an explosion somewhere in the mansion. "In more ways than one."

"And you used to think your nephew Evan was a hassle," Magneto gave her a look.

Ororo thought a moment. "Well you're not wrong," She sighed and took a drink.

"Perhaps it was a mistake for us to recruit adolescent mutants instead of adults?" Xavier admitted.

"No, you **think?**" Magneto gave him a look.

"We have got to recruit some adults," Hank groaned. "Some **sane **adults."

"If they were really sane they wouldn't come anywhere **near **this town," Logan grunted.

"I am **not** going back there," Sabertooth held his head in his hands. "Send me anywhere else you want Magneto. Syria. Antarctica. The Gaza Strip. Afghanistan. A hairdresser's convention in California. **Anywhere **but back there with those brats!"

"Sabertooth someone has to go over there and start…" Magneto sighed.

"Well that someone ain't gonna be me!" Sabertooth snapped. "Unless you want 'em dead. Dead I can do. But if you want 'em alive that's a whole different ball game! You can't pay me enough to go over there!"

"You get paid?" Hank perked up his ears.

"Yeah. I get a check deposited in my Swiss Bank account twice a month," Sabertooth said. "And it still ain't enough."

"You have a Swiss Bank Account?" Logan shouted.

"You **don't?"** Sabertooth snorted. "Oh right. You were never any good at managing your money."

"How much do you get paid?" Ororo asked.

"I think we're going slightly off track here," Xavier spoke up.

"Now that I think about it, Mystique did run off when I refused to give her that raise," Magneto thought aloud. "In hindsight that was probably not the smartest move I could have made."

"A raise would **help,**" Ororo gave Xavier a look.

"I know what would help **me,"** Xavier moaned as he poured himself another drink.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Oh God what **now**…?" Hank moaned as he could hear an explosion in the distance.

"It sounds like the electric pumpkin gun is going off again," Magneto groaned. "I can't take much more of this."

"Neither can we," Hank sighed, listening to sounds of more destruction in the background. "Just look at what our lives have been reduced to."

And then he began to sing. "_Pranks and chaos every day. Explosions with no delay. It's a_ _never ending migraine_."

Ororo nodded in agreement. "_Never can we get a break, from all the madness that they make. We are slowly going insane." _

_ "There's no escape, no relief, no respite. To our senses we barely cling_," Xavier whimpered before he took another drink.

_ "But then we remember that blessed liquid that gives us the will to keep living_," Logan walked over to a cabinet and opened it. "_Booze, glorious booze! Beer, brandy and vodka!" _

_ "We could also use Scotch, gin and tequila," _Magneto told him.

_"Rum, bourbon and calvados. They'll ease our tension_," Hank sang as Logan got out more bottles. "_Made by that great process of fer-men-ta-tion_!"

_"Booze! Glorious Booze!"_ Sabertooth smiled as Logan took out more glasses and filled them. "_We're anxious to try it!"_

_ "Three barrels a day! Our favorite diet!"_ Logan grinned pouring and handing out the drinks.

_ "Just picture a great big keg, tapped till the valve spews_!" Hank's eyes twinkled in delight as he held his new glass in triumph. _"Forth booze! Wondrous booze! Marvelous booze! Glorious booze!" _

"YEAH!" The adults cheered as they began to quickly drain their glasses. "_Booze,_ _glorious booze! In our occupation_…"

_"When the day concludes, we need lubrication_!" Ororo proclaimed taking a big gulp.

"_Break open the cabinet! Pour out the supplies!"_ Magneto sang as he refilled his drink. "_Down some to feel dazed and yet, nice and wise!"_

_ "Booze, glorious booze_," Xavier smiled downing another shot. "_Mugs, snifters or_ _glasses!_"

_"Ice crushed or in cubes_!" Hank began to dance around the room despite his ankle. _"Froth from released gasses_!"

_ "Bring forth some new bottles and break out the corkscrews!"_ Sabertooth howled with delight. _"For booze! Once again booze! Fabulous booze! Glorious booze!" _

"I'll drink to that!" Logan laughed as he chugged his latest drink. _"Booze! Glorious booze! Who cares what it's made from? Wines, spirits and brews! That's what this stuff's become!" _

_ "Pushed past the madness limit, our youngsters have mastered_," All the adults sang out in unison. Ororo and Hank began to dance. Magneto got up and twirled around while Xavier attempted a one handed wheelie. _"We deserve to drink and get GOOD AND PLASTERED!"_

_ "Booze! Glorious booze!"_ Hank sloshed as he grabbed for another bottle. "_We hunger and crave more!" _

_ "That next sip or two_," Xavier started to giggle drunkenly. "_That's what we all live for!" _

_ "Our brains and other organs we're going to suffuse!" _Magneto sang passionately.

_"With booze!"_ Logan cheered as he clinked his glass with Sabertooth's.

_"Magical booze!"_ Sabertooth clinked back.

_"Wonderful booze!"_ Ororo whooped.

_"Marvelous booze!"_ Xavier added.

_ "Heavenly booze!"_ Hank laughed.

_ "Beautiful booze_!" All the adults held up their glasses in tribute. _"GLORRRR-RRRIIIII-OOOOUUSSSSSS BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!" _

Meanwhile outside the door…

"I told you they've been acting crazier than usual lately," Lance grumbled. "Satisfied Summers?"

"Fine! For once you're right!" Scott agreed with his rival. Several members of both the X-Men and Brotherhood were on the other side of the door.

"Well that is certainly out of character for them," Fred blinked as he listened to the insanity inside.

"Not really. You should hear Beast do his one man Phantom of the Opera medley night when he's depressed," Kurt groaned. "And he's also pretty drunk too when he does that."

"I never thought I'd see the Professor lose it like this," Rogue folded her arms. "Magneto, yes. But not the Professor."

"What is that crack supposed to mean?" Wanda snapped.

"What do you **think **it means?" Pietro groaned. "Even I gotta admit Father hasn't been all there recently."

"Definitely runs in the family," Rogue gave Pietro a look.

"Oh like **your leaders** are the models of stability?" Pietro pointed to the ruckus going on from the other side of the doors.

"When did they all write a song parody?" Fred scratched his head. "And when did they find time to **rehearse **it?"

"Who knows what they do when they think we don't watch 'em?" Todd groaned.

"Obviously whatever they do isn't good for both our teams," Jean said.

"Well we all know who the bad influence is to blame for **that,**" Scott grumbled.

"Yeah…" Lance nodded.

"Magneto," Scott said.

"Wolverine," Lance said at the same time.

"Well neither of you are wrong," Todd shrugged as Lance and Scott glared at each other.

"The man has a point," Kurt agreed.

"Of course you must admit Sabertooth is also not quite the role model he could be," Pyro pointed out.

"Neither is Beast lately," Bobby said. "The other day I caught him injecting tequila into his Twinkies."

"I saw Ororo eating a Twinkie yesterday!" Rogue realized. "I thought she looked a little too happy eating it. You know I've been cutting her some slack since Evan took off but clearly she ain't dealing with it well."

"Really? When he left I threw a party," Pietro grinned.

"Big surprise," Scott groaned.

"Here's one, half of your team showed up to celebrate," Pietro smirked. "Right Rogue? Kitty? Jean?"

"What?" Scott was surprised.

"I only went to visit Lance," Kitty said quickly. "I was just playing along in order to see him."

"Yeah you were really putting up a front at the head of that conga line," Todd quipped.

"No, Jean was in front of the conga line," Fred corrected. "Kitty started the dancing."

"Oh right," Todd nodded.

"JEAN?" Scott was stunned.

"Well he was starting to get on my nerves," Jean admitted.

"**Starting**?" Rogue rolled her eyes. "That boy was on my nerves since day one."

"I know. There was something off about him," Todd said. "Like he was a copy of someone else or something…"

"I'll say it. With Evan gone I was able to get promoted to the main team," Bobby grinned.

"Yeah that's not exactly trading up in my opinion," Rogue told him. "I've said it before and I'll say it again. He's the reason Storm started getting on the sauce."

"Oh yeah, definitely," Pietro agreed.

"This isn't about Evan! This is about the problem we are having," Jean tried to get the gang back on track.

"You mean the problem of you guys going to parties I'm not invited to?" Scott snapped.

"The problem is that all the adults are alcoholics," Wanda glared at Scott. "I think that takes precedent over your lack of a social life."

"Well maybe if people invited me to parties more often I'd loosen up?" Scott snapped.

"Maybe if you didn't have that stick up your…" Lance began.

"Enough! It doesn't matter who's to blame," Jean said.

"Xavier (Cough)," Wanda made a fake cough.

"The point is…" Jean gave Wanda a look before continuing. "We need to do something about this before we have a real problem!"

The sound of laughter and a glass breaking could be heard. "I think we're a little late for that, Red," Lance rolled his eyes.

"So what do we do?" Rogue asked.

"Hey I know what we can do!" Fred spoke up. "We can have one of those intervention things like my cousin on TV had!"

"You have a cousin that went on the show Intervention?" Bobby asked.

"Yeah! Twice!" Fred nodded.

"Twice?" Bobby asked. "How can that happen twice?"

"Well technically it was a two -parter," Fred explained. "It kind of ran a bit long after the police and animal control was called in."

"Why…?" Jean began. "No, no! Forget I asked! Let's focus on the problem."

"And what problem is that?" Pyro blinked.

"I know. He has the attention span of a brain dead goldfish," Wanda sighed as the X-Men looked at him. She glared at Pyro. "The problem of the X-Men and Magneto going insane!"

"Going?" Todd asked as he heard more singing. "They're **gone**, yo."

"Well we have to do something before things get…" Jean began. Then heard the laughter from inside the study. "Well they could get worse. I guess…"

"Maybe we should sing a song too?" Fred spoke up.

"I've got some halfway decent lyric writing skills," Pyro pointed out.

"I could come up with music," Lance suggested.

"A musical number?" Scott gave them a look.

"Why not? **They're **doing one!" Todd pointed to the study.

"Come on. We are not doing any singing! That won't work," Jean told them. "What we need to do is present a reasonable well thought out argument…"

_"BOOOOZE! GLORIOUS BOOOZE!"_ They heard the adults singing. _"GLORIOUS!_ _BOOOOZZEEEE!"_ And a chorus of laughter after that.

"On the other hand maybe throwing in one little musical number isn't that far-fetched," Jean sighed.


End file.
